So, I’ve been somewhat absent from my beloved blog… not in mind or spirit. But I have neglected to sit down and crank out my regular posts. What’s up with that? I’ve been pondering that question for the last few weeks, as I found myself feeling somewhat adrift.
Why have I been hiding?
Of course, that kind of BIG question is one a therapist asks you. And it’s one that could take years to fully answer (not to mention bring you to your knees). But if nothing else, I am a person who seeks those answers, who wants to see the patterns and understand why. I know pieces of the answer. One piece relates to the present, but not in the mindful kind of way. It’s my interpretation of what the present ought to be. So you can see that I’m already hampered with that kind of thinking!
It is now June. June is the halfway point in the year I gave myself permission to take off work. 6 months in. This is also the point where, back in November, I had visualized what June would “look like.” I pictured so many wonderful scenes, I imagined so many transformations. I felt the relaxation and looked forward to this day. June was also the point where my practical self would take over. I would have to explore more options for paid work at the critical 6-month mark. So as I visualized myself surrounded by serenity, I knew this would be juxtaposed with practicality. But I figured I would be ready for it, come what may.
Turns out I’m not at all ready.
But in the spirit of mindfulness, I would argue that readiness does not matter; all I really need is acceptance. June looks different than what I imagined but I must see it for the way it is, not the way I had hoped it to be. So as I fumbled with feelings of “It’s June and WHAT have I accomplished??!” I stayed back, hiding in the shadows of my own inner critic. Oh well… that’s how I felt and now that is in the past.
June is more than just what I had previously attached to it….it’s beautiful weather, garden vegetables coming to life, roses in full bloom, new hiking trails, learning more through meditation, reading whatever I feel like.
I will celebrate it all.
Beautiful. I hear you on this one. I’m almost 2 years in and I have no idea what to do with myself yet. Acceptance is a good start.
It is a crazy feeling, isn’t it?? Amen to acceptance!