When you leave something — friendships, your family home, romantic relationships, a hairstylist,  job or career — you do suffer a loss, even if the reasons for leaving are celebrated.  When you get married or get the big promotion, or you move far away from loved ones, you are happy for the next chapter but you realize that the page has turned permanently.

This stuck me today as I was reading a post from a woman who worked in the entertainment world — she had left her job to take some time off.  Like me, she made this decision over a long  period of time and was able to plan for it financially.  She knew it was coming.

And yet she still felt a tremendous loss.

She talks about the initial feelings of losing her identity as she went from 24/7 work overdrive while in the job to having lots of time on her hands. Now granted, I have not yet felt like a kept woman, one who has nothing but free time and not a care in the world.  My life since leaving my job has been more crazy than I expected but it has eventually turned into the life I imagined, just without the money.

One of the things that resonated about this woman’s story was how she could see that this exit from her job is just one of hundreds of exits we make in our lives.  We make changes, move forward, and life goes on. And after you finally get some stillness, you realize you are still YOU.  Not having a title or a career as an identity does not decimate all of your personality gifts or your contributions to society.  You still have much to offer and give, and much to learn.  You evolve. You keep going.

I have reconnected with so many parts of my soul that I had long forgotten in the frenzied workplace — my sense of resilience, hope, compassion, laughter, and appreciation for friends and family who let me be me.

We can’t avoid leaving, and we will all keep doing it.  Embrace how much learning it will bring!

For about 7+ years now I have referred to my right leg as my “bad leg.”  And of course, my left leg is my “good leg.” Well, no more!  I have created a framework of negativity for that right leg — it will never catch a break if I continue to refer to it as inferior.

The truth is that my right leg is weaker than my left.  It also doesn’t like to be bent for long periods of time, so even sleeping can agitate at times.  The key to improving it is to strengthen it, and I’ve gotten back on track for doing a series of physical therapy exercises a few times per week.  I’m doing more strength training with weights, and I know all this will help.

But it takes time and so I just take it one step at a time.  And it is improving; I can definitely feel my gait loosening up and my right leg is stronger when I stride.  The limp is still there but it’s not as pronounced lately.  My left and right legs are simply different by virtue of their location on my body.

Neither one is bad, neither is good.  They just are.

Yesterday, I decided to let a cockroach live.  Actually 2 cockroaches.  They were just outside the door to my backyard deck, and they were lying on their backs, doing, well, whatever cockroaches do on their backs (sleep?). Anyway, at first I took a towel to shoo them away, out of my sight.  But they didn’t go as far as I thought, and they were left there on my deck, still upside down with their legs flailing.

I bent down and used my towel to flip them over.  They were stunned, so I decided to leave them alone.  And off I went, leaving them to go do cockroach things.

First, let me assure you that cockroaches are common in this warm California climate.  This is not an infestation or anything particularly unsettling, just life as we know it.  But my reaction to them was quite unusual.

You see, I am not a bug person. I’m great with worms, and even snakes (sans rattler, sans venom) don’t bother me.  I usually kill insects that are heading toward me, or I run from the bees (I’ve never been stung, knock on wood).  I kill most of them if they are in the house, especially bees because I can’t fathom how to trap one and let it free outside without getting stung. However, bees in our house are rare — only a few times in 17 years.  And I have gotten better about ignoring spiders.  It helps that my husband will carry them outside.

So what has me going soft for the cockroaches?

Mindfulness and meditation have me feeling more and more connected to the other beings on the planet.  I am reminded that we are all sharing a common experience in this world, and I am always moved by the closing phrase used by my meditation teacher: “May all beings be at peace.” I’m also feeling less anxious, less compelled to “fix” situations, like ridding my deck of the unsightly cockroach so I don’t have to SEE it!

Even a cockroach has something to teach us.

I am learning to be more aware of my body — when it feels strong, when it falters, when it hurts.  For many years, my right leg has mostly felt weak.  It has had periods where it feels stronger, after I have been  consistent and diligent in my targeted physical therapy exercises.

Today, my leg feels different — stronger for sure, yet different.  I am really focusing on that feeling with each step, sinking into the changes in my rhythm and gait.  I want to feel each and every moment of this, and remember the difference in today versus all the yesterdays of struggle.

But this is not just the result of physical exercise — the difference this time is the sense of calm in my life.  I can truly feel how the practice of mindfulness has shifted my body and my senses.  I’m going to focus on the beauty and power of this process, and keep feeling into each and every step.

A shift is here, and I’m incredibly grateful.

“If you’re tired of the same old story, turn some pages.  I will be here when you are ready, to roll with the changes.”

REO Speedwagon (1978)

Who says you can’t find mindfulness in a classic rock song?!

These lyrics are particularly dear to me… when I moved from my hometown at the age of 16 to my new home, across the country, I was incredibly sad.  In some ways I wanted to move, to go on a new adventure, but I was leaving behind my extended family and friends.  It was the summer before my senior year in high school, and I felt like my world was being ripped out from under me.  Once I landed in my new environment in California, I used to find solace in this particular lyric.  Whenever I felt sad at what I’d lost, I told myself to turn some pages, and embrace this new chapter.

Today, I find myself once again in the middle of one of life’s upheavals — leaving my job and career, and working to discover my next steps, finding my passion and calling.  These lyrics remind me that it’s okay to leave behind things that are dear; a new chapter awaits.   I didn’t know what my life would be like in California, and yet I bloomed and thrived.  That same spirit is with me now.

Of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that this song is also a great workout tune — since fitting in more physical activity is an important part of my journey, the music helps!